Sleep Survival Guide for new parents
If you're a parent, you've likely experienced the crushing impact these little bundles of joy can have on your sleep. This impact is even greater if you're juggling a demanding career with a newborn. When working with clients in this situation, I focus on two distinct phases: the "Apocalypse Phase" (birth to 9-12 months) and the "Recovery & Reset Phase" (12-24 months).
The Apocalyptic Phase
This phase is often an extremely exhausting ordeal that impacts your mood, performance, and overall well-being. Until their first child, many have never experienced sleep deprivation on this level, and it can be a shocking experience marked by irritability, frustration, anxiety, and even hopelessness.
While it's not realistic to expect your sleep won't be affected, there strategies that can help minimize the impact:
- Optimize Your Sleep Environment
Create a bedroom that's dark, quiet, and cool. Your mattress, bedding, and pillows should be inviting and comfortable. While this won't prevent 2 AM wake-ups, it ensures your sleep environment isn't adding to the problem.
- Tag-Team Parenting
If you have a partner, split night duties as equitably as possible. Create a fair and sustainable sleep schedule. Clear communication about needs and expectations is key. This approach can prevent one parent from becoming overly impaired and can strengthen your relationship with your partner with a lot less resentment.
- Nap When Possible
Don't underestimate the power of a 15-20 minute power nap. Ideally, naps should be short (< 30 min) and earlier in the day. If naps are too long or late in the afternoon, you risk not being able to fall asleep quickly at night.
- Use Caffeine Strategically
This recommendation might surprise you coming from a sleep expert, but caffeine can be a valuable tool for new parents, especially those balancing work and parenting responsibilities. The key is to use it strategically.
It’s important to know that caffeine has a long half-life - about 5 hours for most people. This means that it takes 10 hours before the caffeine is out of your system. With this in mind, here's my advice: If caffeine helps you function better, use it in the morning. But set a cut-off time at least 10 hours before your planned bedtime. This approach allows you to benefit from caffeine's effects during the day without disrupting the precious little sleep you do get at night.
- Avoid Alcohol as Much as Possible
While stress levels are likely through the roof and anything that takes the edge off is appealing, alcohol is particularly damaging to sleep. It may help you fall asleep faster, but it leads to fragmented, disruptive, and non-restorative sleep.
- Practice Mindfulness and Stress Management
Even 5-10 minutes of meditation can help you reset, feel more focused, improve your mood, and feel more energized. Find a meditation app you like and set a goal of using it for 5-10 minutes daily. If you find it hard to remember, you may want to set a reminder on your phone.
- Manage Your Expectations
Remember that it is unrealistic to expect good sleep during the Apocalyptic Phase. Understanding that your experience is normal and largely unavoidable can help you find more acceptance. This can reduce anger, frustration, and anxiety that might further impact your sleep. I’ll be the first to acknowledge that this is easier said than done, it is worth pursuing, and does get easier with practice.
The Recovery & Reset Phase
Your child is finally sleeping through the night, but you're surprised to find your sleep isn't bouncing back to 'pre-baby' levels. This is quite common - research shows many parents' sleep duration and satisfaction aren't back to normal even 6 years after having a child!
The best change you can make to get your sleep back on track during the Recovery & Reset Phase is to create a consistent sleep schedule and stick to it. Here's why:
When you become a parent, your sleep drive and circadian rhythm - the two most important processes regulating sleep - are thrown completely out of sync. During those early months, you're forced to sleep at odd hours and in short bursts. To cope, you might develop habits like going to bed extra early, taking long naps, or consuming more caffeine.
These coping mechanisms can persist even after your child starts sleeping through the night. Your body and brain have essentially been "reprogrammed" to this fragmented sleep pattern and the habits that you’ve developed during the Apocalyptic Phase don’t allow it to reset naturally. You might find yourself still waking up at night out of habit, having trouble falling asleep at a regular bedtime, or feeling sleepy at odd hours.
To 're-align' your sleep drive with your circadian rhythm, find a consistent sleep schedule that works for you and stick to it every night - yes, even on weekends. Your biological clock doesn't distinguish between a Wednesday night and a Saturday night.
Additionally, during this period, avoid napping during the day. While naps were helpful when your child was keeping you up at night, continuing to nap once they're sleeping through the night can disrupt your nighttime sleep by decreasing your sleep drive.
I understand the resistance to this idea - I experienced it myself before making this change. Now, I go to bed at 9 PM and wake up at 6 AM every day, even on weekends. It took some getting used to, but I adapted quickly, and it's now second nature.
By creating a consistent schedule, your body can identify when it's supposed to wake you up in the morning and wind you down at night. This helps you fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer, and improve the quality of your sleep.
To all the parents out there, I hope you found this helpful!
Until next time, sleep well,
-Eric
When you're ready to fix your sleep, here's how I can help:
- I'm a high-impact sleep coach with a PhD, board certifications, and years of experience working with high performers like the Navy SEALs, business leaders, and professional sports teams. My sole focus these days is helping busy professionals achieve more, perform better, and lead more fulfilling lives by fixing their sleep.
- If you haven't figured out what Sleep Zone you're in yet, that's a great place to start. Developing a plan that works for you depends on this information. Find out where you stand by taking the Sleep Zone Quiz.
- Once you know your Sleep Zone, the next step is to book a free 15 minute strategy session with me. We can discuss your unique situation, begin to set goals, and figure out if my coaching program is right for you.
